Caught in the Chaos of Inconsistent Love

"When Loving Someone Hurts More Than Letting Go"

"True love is not about perfection, it is hidden in the consistency of love.” - Ruthie Dean

I used to think the worst kind of heartbreak came from fights and endings you could see coming. But six months ago, I learned it’s the quiet exits that leave the deepest bruise. One time, my ex promised me that we would talk things through. So I waited, clinging to a hope like a lifeline — only to discover I’d been blocked on all social media platforms. No warning signs, no closure whatsoever.

In that exact moment, it felt like my entire world came crashing down. My mind began to spiral, grasping at straws to see if there were any early warning signs that I overlooked. “Was the person I loved even real?” These words played like a broken record at the back of my mind. How could he change so drastically from being patient to downright emotionally gaslighting me? Or perhaps, he never changed— maybe he was just wearing a mask and the pressure eventually cracked, revealing his true character.

That was when it dawned on me: I did not love him for who he was anymore, I was in love with the potential of who he could be. I had worn rose-colored glasses so tightly that they left marks on my skin. I kept thinking, maybe if I loved him a little harder, louder or better, he would become that person again. But all it did was stretching my heart thin while he sank deeper into complacency, growing more careless with every chance I gave him.

Now that I’m out of it, I am still baffled by how much I let it slide in the name of love. It still feels so odd being accustomed to no longer hearing all the yelling that left me shaking nor the conversations that felt like interrogation rooms. I had walked on eggshells so often, I forgot what solid ground felt like. However, that’s the thing about unhealthy relationships, they warp your sense of normalcy, and you forget that love isn’t supposed to hurt this much.

That begs the real question: If we can see all the different shades of red flags waving, why do we still feel compelled to run towards them?

"Chasing red flags is like dancing with danger in the name of hope."

Skinner’s idea of intermittent reinforcement offers insight into the reasons people stay in relationships that are emotionally draining. In relationships, this pattern manifests when love, attention, or care is given sporadically — sometimes overflowing, other times completely absent, creating a psychological addiction. It mirrors the behaviour of a gambler, endlessly hoping the next pull of the slot machine lever will yield the jackpot they’ve been chasing. I wasn’t addicted to him as a person, but I was hooked on the possibility of his affection returning. The more inconsistent his love became, the harder I worked to earn the affection promised but never reliably given (Skinner, 1953).

Intermittent reinforcement thrives on unpredictability — and that unpredictability is precisely what keeps people stuck. When love is given and withheld without warning, it blurs the distinction between desire and suffering. Over time, individuals in unhealthy relationships can mistake chaos for passion, enduring far more than one ever should just in the name of hope. 

This pattern also triggers cognitive dissonance, coined by Festinger (1957), which is the psychological discomfort that arises from holding two or more contradictory beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors simultaneously. On one hand, we can recognize the relationship’s flaws such as the constant warning signs we hear from our friends or perhaps the weight of the emotional toll. Yet, contradictorily, we cling to the belief that things could improve and change is possible, even though all evidence seems to point otherwise. Consequently, this inner turmoil creates tension between what you know and what you wish were true. To ease this discomfort, we then rationalize the inconsistent love, selectively ignoring the damage or the "lows," and subsequently romanticizing the "highs" of the relationship.

So, what is the main takeaway from this?

• Recognise the hook: Intermittent affection keeps you gambling on potential — not on real, reliable love. Break the cycle before it breaks you.

• Trust What You See, Not What You Wish: When the reality and your hopes don’t match, believe the reality. It’s showing you what words won’t.

• Steady Love Wins: Love worth having won’t make you beg, question, or doubt — it shows up, even on the hard days.

• Let Go To Grow: It’s not giving up to walk away from pain. It’s choosing yourself over a fantasy that’s costing you your peace.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." — Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

But ultimately, to truly heal is to keep reminding yourself--love isn’t meant to be earned through suffering. It’s meant to be received with open hands.