When Balik Kampung Feels Different

Balik kampung used to mean one thing to me: excitement!

I remember the long car rides. The plastic containers filled with kuih raya. Sleeping late with cousins and waking up to the smell of rendang in the kitchen. Hari Raya felt simple back then—loud, colorful, and carefree. 

But as I’ve grown older, balik kampung feels….. different. 

I notice things that I never did before. My parents look more tired. My grandparents walk a little slower and the house feels the same, but somehow it feels smaller—like I’ve outgrown parts of it without realising. 

Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, Raya stopped being just about receiving duit raya and started becoming responsibilities, expectations, and reflection. 

The Bittersweet Feeling 

I realised there’s a word for this feeling: nostalgia. 

Nostalgia is often tied to people and shared moments, especially family gatherings and celebrations (Wildschut et al., 2006). That’s why Hari Raya memories can feel so vivid. They remind us of who we were, what life once felt like, and who used to sit around the dining table. They remind us that time has passed.

As we grow older, our roles within the family begin to shift.

We’re no longer just the children running around in baju raya. We become the ones being asked:

"Lepas grad nak kerja apa?" 

"Bila nak kahwin?"

These questions, though often well-intentioned, can feel heavier than they are meant to. Not because our relatives are trying to pressure us, but because we’re already carrying quiet uncertainties of our own. For those of us still figuring out who we are and where we’re headed, balik kampung can become more than a tradition—it becomes a space for reflection, uncertainty, and identity-building.

Giving Ourselves Permission to Feel 

This Raya, perhaps we can practise emotional validation.

Instead of telling ourselves: 

"I shouldn’t feel this way, it’s Hari Raya!" 

We can gently remind ourselves:

"It makes sense that I feel this way.” 

After all, growing up means becoming aware—of time passing, of responsibilities increasing, and of relationships evolving. Raya may no longer feel as simple as it once did, but perhaps it has become something deeper.

If this Hari Raya feels different for you—softer, heavier, more reflective—you are not alone.

Celebrations can hold both laughter and longing.

And maybe, that is part of what growing up truly means.

As you return home this Raya, may you find moments of warmth in familiar places, even as they change.

May you give yourself permission to feel fully—both the joy and the quiet ache.

And may this season bring you not just celebration, but also gentle understanding of where you are in your journey.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri—may it be meaningful in ways both old and new.